mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
