I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I am one with the molecules
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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