Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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