take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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