somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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