Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Who died my cat blue again?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
