Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
