i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
