I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I need a beard to bite.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
