did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
