Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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