i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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