I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
