If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
