Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
