actually, I'm a sock model
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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