apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
