We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
