Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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