I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
