I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Boobs speak an international language.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
