my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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