I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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