TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
