You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
