since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
