In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
