youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
