Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Naked Twister starts at high noon
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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