Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I just blew my weed a kiss
50% drunk capacity currently
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
