cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
