i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
My Sexting was not on an AP level
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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