last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
