im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
