Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
