First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
