I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
