sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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