I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
What changed your mind?
Being sober
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
