I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
thus making me awesome and them whores
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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