When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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