and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Hippo gnu deer
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
