she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
