I'm going to jail i love you
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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