You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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