im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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