My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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