either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Randomize
