Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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