The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
