Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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